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Success in Life
Assertiveness
Assertiveness is an essential skill as it helps you to deal more effectively with a range of difficult situations that you may encounter in everyday life. Being assertive is important to stop others taking advantage of you, it stops you being forced to do things against your will. It also enables you to stand up for yourself, to be able to put yourself first and reinforces your self-worth and self-esteem.
Don’t worry, assertion is not about shouting or bullying another person into doing what you want, quite the opposite! It is about open, honest and respectful communication. Understanding and respecting the other person’s view point is critical. It can be about seeking win/win solutions so no-one has to loose, but above all it is about respecting yourself enough to stand up for your needs and wants.
Effective assertion skills will promote better understanding between yourself and others, by helping you to express your own views and needs and encouraging you to appreciate other’s viewpoints. Without such a skill you cannot be totally honest in your relationships and so will not be truly present within that person. Beware of falling into the trap of using lies of omission to suit your purpose and make life ‘easier’ for yourself. Failing to inform others about some significant information or situation which, had been aware of, may have altered their perspective on events is not living with integrity and honesty. Such behaviour may well destroy trust in your relationships (business or personal) as just think how the other person will react when they find out that you had this information all along but chose not to share it with them in order to manipulate them.
Using your assertion skills will promote good emotional and physical health as your stress levels should fall as you grow more able to stand up for yourself and live the life you choose. Assertion is closely tied to confidence and self-esteem. Each time you assert your rights, you send an important message to your unconscious mind underlining your belief about your own self-importance, your willingness to respect your wants and needs, to protect yourself from unreasonable demands of others. It shows the world that you are to be taken seriously as you believe in, and respect yourself. If you do feel this way, how can you expect others to respect you? It is by our behaviours we teach others how to treat us, every time you let someone walk over you, you are telling them that this is acceptable way to behave!
It is good to care for other’s feelings, but not at the expense of our own. Why have you been treating their feelings with greater care than your own? Remember that people will come and go in your life, but your one constant relationship is with yourselves. So become your own best friend and stick up for yourself, give yourself the love you crave for in life, give yourself respect, time and attention. Only when you accept yourself for who you are and value yourself just for being, will you be free from this insecure need to pretend to be someone you are not in order to get others to like or love you. Change your behaviour and change your mind. Give others the chance to love the real you by being truly present in your relationships and they will thrive.
Activity
We suggest you review the various areas of your life identified in our earlier work (relationships with family and friends, colleagues, social or business situation) and consider how assertive you are in each area. How open and honest have you been in your communication with others (especially considering those lies of omission)? Have you stood up for yourself? It may surprise you how this varies when you compare work situations with home, or consider various members of your family, or how you interact with different friends, or with friends as compared to strangers. You may find you are assertive with certain people and not others, or in particular situations and yet not in others. Analyse this to identify where you currently are not acting assertively and then consider what all these situations have in common and you may be able to identify an underlying cause for, or trend, in your behaviour.
From this, make a list of areas where you would like to improve your assertiveness skills. Set out the types of places, situations or people involved. Be as specific as you can, as by clearly identifying an issue you are in a strong position to tackle it. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “a problem well stated is a problem half solved.”
Know Your Rights
We all have certain rights just by virtue of our being human. Because we live in an ordered society each right also has responsibilities attached to it. The two should not be split in a fair world. Taking responsibility for our thoughts, emotions and actions is key to self development and growth. For example, you have a right to ask for what you want, but there is an equal responsibility to listen when other people make politely phrased requests from you. We have listed some key rights and you will surely be able to think up some additional ones. The assertion of these rights is key to your self-respect and self-confidence as it sends an important message to your unconscious. Remember your unconscious is always eavesdropping on your internal and external dialogues so be sure to send it the correct message. You can do this by getting out there and flexing your assertion muscle. As with any new behaviour, it may feel a little strange at first but as you reap the rewards of your assertion you will feel spurred on to higher levels of assertive behaviour. Your assertive muscle will strengthen with use, being assertive will become your new natural way of behaving, a new habit, and you will find yourself living a happier and less stressful life.
Our inalienable rights
The right to ask for what you want (respecting other people’s right to say NO to your request) The right to ask for time to think (do not let yourself be pushed into a hasty decision which you may well regret at leisure, just ask for more time to consider a proposition so you can decide how you really feel about something and weight up the true and often hidden cost to you)
The right to refuse requests (other people have this right too)
The right to choose whether or not to get involved in the problems of someone else. The right to hold an opinion or have feelings and emotions. You have the right to express these. Remember to be careful to express yourself in a reasonable and appropriate manner if you want others to hear what you are saying. Shouting at or bullying others in not assertion
The right to be listened to and taken seriously (people should not shout you down or shut you up just because they are the boss, you should always be treated with respect and dignity)
The right to make your own decision and to handle the consequences of your actions or decisions
The right to change your mind at some later time and to explain the reasons for this (it is helpful to explain your reasons to others so they too know why you have behaved in a certain way)
The right to say “I don’t know” or “I don’t understand”, without apology (no-one knows everything, we all have to learn from others who were once in our position, after all no-one was born knowing double entry book keeping!)
The right to make mistakes and to be responsible for them (this may mean apologising or taking remedial action as necessary)
The right to privacy. Confidentiality is often enshrined in law in our Society and employers, the medical profession, banks etc. must have high regard for this right, and so too should your nearest and dearest. Assertion is all about asking others to respect your rights, and about you respecting the rights of others.
How to Make a Request
Requests should be made in a clear and direct manner, preferably with a commanding voice, if you want others to understand you and comply with your wishes. Act as if you expect others to comply with your request and they are more likely to do so. If necessary, pretend to be more confident than you feel inside, remember they do not know your inner feelings, just what you choose to reveal to them so if necessary put on a brave face until your confidence level has caught up with your actions.
Don’t apologise or justify yourself for asking for something as this only serves to undermine your case. So don not use phrases such as “I’m afraid or I’m sorry”. Also, be wary of providing a list of supporting reasons for your request, as people will pick on your weakest argument and use it as an excuse to turn you down. Be careful of making excuses for asking for their help as this may make them feel you are forcing their cooperation by emotional blackmail. This is unfair and can back fire on you. If there are special circumstances that it would be helpful to advise them about, explain these briefly. For example, most people respond reasonably to a positively worded request in an emergency or at busy times. Remember to respond in kind if you wish to maintain a helpful cooperative relationship with that person. There is an unwritten rule of reciprocation at work here, no-one likes to be always on the giving side or to feel taken advantage of. Neither do we like to feel indebted to another, so balance your requests and responses to maintain all round self-esteem and respect.
Don’t oversell your request with flattery or invented benefits, nor play on people’s friendship. People can often see through this and will feel used. This may damage your long-term relationship with that person.
Use assertive non-verbal behaviour e.g a clear, calm and steady voice, good eye contact, a firm stance, an erect posture (stand tall) but be careful of smiling too much as this may be taken as a sign of weakness or deception by the other person. Maintain eye contact as shifting eyes may be taken as a sign you are lying. Do not talk too quickly as you will sound nervous, instead slow down and take a few deep breaths to steady yourself. Avoid fidgeting or other nervous body movements such as playing with a ring or your hair. It is helpful to develop a firm, confident handshake. Also be aware of the rules of personal space, this is the space about us that we like to keep as our own and do not like other people invading. The depth of someone’s personal space tends to vary depending whether you are a member of the family or close to someone, or whether you are a stranger. Generally, people do not like you to invade their body space, be careful as it can be seen as an aggressive act and may provoke a hostile response.
Decide what it is you wish to ask, what you think about it and how you feel. Check the list of rights above and decide which rights are involved.
Make your request, short, clear and specific, ensuring it is obvious who it is addressed to, with no stretching it out or beating about the bush. If you throw out a general request, do not be surprised if no-one takes responsibility to fulfil it for you. They may genuinely not realise it was directed at them or they may avoid commitment leaving it up to another to help you. Psychological studies have shown that people are actually more likely to respond to calls for help when they are on their own compared to when they are in a crowd, it is called bystander apathy. The anonymity and diffused sense of responsibility in the crowd reduces people’s urge to help.
Stick to your statement, repeat it if necessary (the broken record technique below) but be careful of rephrasing it as you may change the meaning. Provide clarification if necessary and then await their reply. Allow a pregnant pause and keep quiet. Do not underestimate the power of silence, knowing when to remain silent is a powerful skill.
Acknowledge other’s responses, people like to know that they have been heard, but deflect comments which might undermine your assertive stance. Remember you do not have to justify your request or defend it, it is often counterproductive to get into an argument about the pros and cons of a request as this distracts from getting the job done.
Broken Record Technique
By repeating your request over and over, the other person is worn down. You have not been distracted into justifications or excuses and you have not rephrased your request.
Use short phrases or sentences to convey your request, as these are easy to understand.
As often as necessary, calmly repeat your request using the same words.
Slow down the pace of your speech. Emphasise any repeated words for better effect. Be careful not to speed up your delivery, or raise the pitch or volume of your voice as you repeat yourself, as these are all signs of stress and may escalate the situation or undermine your stance.
How to Respond to Requests From Others
People have the right to ask you to do something, but you too have the right to refuse. This is the process of setting limits and defining what you are willing to do. By making this clear to others you will find it easier to say no appropriately. Begin by listening carefully to what the other person wants and ask for clarification as necessary.
If you are at work you may not have the right to refuse some tasks as they form part of your job. However, you still have the right to tell the other person about any problems that you foresee, their request may cause for you. Point out how this may affect other work and ask for their advice or support in dealing with these issues. Most people prefer to resolve issues before they become problems and would prefer your input early on. State your position and requirements in reasonable detail so they can understand the situation fully. For example, perhaps more people are required, other deadlines may have to slip or you may need to hand over other tasks to someone else in order to make room for the new work. Listen to the other person and acknowledge their point of view and remain open minded. Look for areas of agreement and work on these. Try to come to a mutually acceptable solution, a win/win outcome. You may have to reach a compromise or explore alternatives together. Often two people working on a problem can arrive at a better solution than either would have individually so don’t be afraid to discuss the issue.
If it is appropriate to say no, do so. Don’t apologise profusely, make excuses, or justify your decision as this will weaken your position. Make a refusal short (but not abrupt) and to the point, without excuses.
Ask yourself how you feel about the request, do you want to comply with it, examine your gut reaction as this is often the most accurate and honest one. You may need to ask for more time to consider the request and decide how it may impact upon you and if you want to comply with it. If you are unsure of your decision, it is usually most effective to ask for more time just to think things over and maybe discuss them with a friend.
Remember to use your assertive non-verbal body language (see above).
Sometimes it is helpful to use self-disclosure, that is explaining how you feel about a request or the problems it will cause you, as a means of controlling the situation and softening a refusal. It may be the other person has no idea of the impact of their request on you and often they respond positively to such disclosure.
Try not to become aggressive in your response. Sometimes when people feel unsure of their right to say no or if they find it hard to say no, they can over compensate and become almost aggressive. To be aggressive is to ignore the other person’s right to be treated fairly and with dignity. Equally do not be submissive and deny your own wishes.
It is not advisable to agree to a request and then not comply with the request hoping the matter will disappear with time or pulling out at the last minute. Such an approach usually makes matters worse for both of you. The other person may no longer be in a position to get help from elsewhere because of your delay and there may be financial or other serious repercussions for them. This may damage your relationship, it may cause resentment and leave the other person with a grudge against you because of your behaviour. It certainly says you do not keep your word and so cannot be trusted, is this the kind of message you want to give out about yourself? Such an approach will do little for your self-esteem. An assertive refusal is more respectful to the other person and is an affirmation of your rights. From such actions your assertive muscle will grow and you will find it easier to assert yourself.
You may have to employ the broken record technique to get your refusal over to the other person, just do so, calmly and firmly and eventually they will hear what you are saying.
Once they have accepted your response is no, it may be helpful to offer useful suggestions of alternative support but make sure this is not out of guilt. If the situation is turning awkward, I suggest that you draw the conversation to an end and walk away or if more suitable, simply change the subject. Do not let the other person make you feel guilty because they have a problem, that is their responsibility and it is unfair of them to try to blackmail you into doing what they want.
Managing Your Feelings
Feelings are the result of many factors, but as discussed earlier they are greatly affected by how we view a situation, that is by the interpretation that we place upon it. Two people may experience the same event and yet view it entirely differently depending on their model of the world. What you think about an event leads to how you feel about it. Your feelings may seem an almost instantaneous reaction at the time, but in fact feelings are not the result of other’s actions or outside events. Feelings are the result of how you interpret others’ actions and events. You can interpret what someone says as a justified criticism of you (in which case this is a chance to grow and develop) or, you can dismiss the same criticism as a misunderstanding or as totally inaccurate and so choose to ignore it or challenge it on this basis. You can choose the response that suits your needs the best as you are now in control and no longer at the mercy of your emotions. Because you have the power to control what you think about what has happened or been said, you can also choose your emotional response. You do not have to choose to be angry or depressed or offended. Look for more effective ways to deal with a situation. If an on-going relationship with this person is important to you, try to create a win/win outcome if possible. Your self-talk and the pictures in your mind, your internal images, are a window on how you interpret events around you. Notice what you say to yourself and what images come to mind at such times to help you become more aware of exactly how you are interpreting events.
When you take control over these internal communications with yourself , you take control over your emotional state. Consider, are you over-generalising about a situation (such as jumping from this situation is bad, to all situations in my life are bad, I am useless at everything, exaggerating (are you exagerating just how bad something is) are you catastrophising ( this event is terrible, how can I bear it), when in reality all it is uncomfortable or unfortunate. After all, anything short of death can usually be managed. It is often what people say to themselves about an event that leads to the inappropriate anger and sadness. Consider how rational and balanced your self-talk is and whether it is promoting overall happiness in your life or causing you unnecessary distress and unhappiness?
By interrupting old dysfunctional self-talk and patterns of behaviour you can replace them with more functional and effective ones that will help you manage a situation and cause less emotional distress or upset.
Should you choose to feel angry with someone, you still have the choice about how you act on that feeling. You do not have to strike out verbally or physically. You still have choice over how you will behave. Consider for a moment how many people would lash out at their boss if they were upset about the boss’ behaviour, fear of loosing their job may well prevent such an outburst. Usually people pick on a less powerful person in their social circle to vent their feelings on, this is called displacement. They may instead lash out at their juniors at work, or when they come home take their anger out on their children or pets! This is not acceptable behaviour and it is certainly counter-productive for them as it does not sort the original problem and will undoubtedly create many new ones. It will also diminish their self-respect and the respect and love they receive from others. Remember, anger, like any other emotion, is your choice, you make yourself angry by what you tell yourself about a situation. Only when we accept full responsibility for our emotions and actions, can we move away from playing the victim and instead learn to steer our own course and grow.
It is usually most helpful to acknowledge how you feel and express it in an appropriate manner with the person who is causing you the problem. You may then choose to tackle it in a way that does not hurt others or ignore their rights. Often when we express how we feel, the tension is released and we are more able to direct our energy to solving the original problem. Physical activity is another way to dissipate pent up emotional energy, that we have been unable to release, at the end of the day.
If someone you are dealing with is too upset or angry to reason with, you should first seek to get their attention. Ask them to listen to you, ask them to stop shouting (they may be unaware they have raised their voice or have become threatening) and suggest they sit down and discuss matters quietly. Do not be condescending or sarcastic as this will fuel the situation.
Try to maintain eye contact and state your request in a slow, quiet and calm voice. Trying to shout them down will only escalate the situation. On occasions it may be useful to disclose to them how their behaviour is making you feel. Do not blame them for your feelings but just explain you feel uncomfortable or under threat when they behave in this manner. It may be appropriate to follow this up with a specific request such as “I would prefer it if you did not make such comments”. If despite your best efforts they refuse to calm down, leave them. Why put yourself in or remain in a potentially dangerous situation? You can say you have to go but will talk to them again on the issue and agree another time to meet up. If they are too upset, just clear out quickly for both your sakes but be ready to take up the issue at another more appropriate time.
How to say ‘No’
Some people find it difficult to say ’no’ gracefully as they feel guilty or upset by this situation. Often people say ‘yes’ instead, in a bid to curry favour as they want to be liked at apparently any cost to themselves. The solution is to say ‘no’ as pleasantly as possible. To achieve this, say no with a smile. Use a warm and pleasant tone of voice to display there is no aggression meant. Also use open body language, relaxed arms, uncrossed legs, mirroring the other person’s body language to help maintain rapport with the other person.
Make it clear that you are rejecting the request and not the person who is making the request. Clarify that you have heard what is being asked of you but clearly and firmly explain that it is not possible. Try to keep this short as otherwise it begins to sound like an excuse and may offend. Try to soften your response with a touch of flattery or praise if possible. For example, say “I would love to help with such a great project, but I don’t have the time at the moment” or try flattery, “ I enjoyed going out last time but unfortunately I have too much on right now”. If you have a good sense of humour you may be able to use it to soften your message, but be careful that the other person does not feel you are laughing at them.
Above all else stick to your guns and do not give in, even if they use the broken record technique! If the worst comes to the worst, stall them, put them off until another time or ask for thinking time to give you a breathing space. People usually appreciate your honesty, even when you are saying no, so hold fast and be true to yourself. A little discomfort while saying no will save a lot of regret later on should you say yes inappropriately. But if you do, learn from it, recognise what you did right, plan how to deal with this difficult customer next time and try again.
Assertion Activity Two
Review the scenarios you came up with in activity one.
- Set out the scenario you want to be assertive in, describe where it is and who is present and their roles.
- How would you have previously behaved before using assertion techniques, detail what you would say and how you would say it.
- What are your rights in this situation?
- What are the other person’s rights?
- What do you hope to achieve or gain from this scenario?
- Get in touch with your feelings and express them honestly.
- Detail what you will now say using your assertiveness techniques- i.e be clear and concise, sticking to your point and respecting others’ feelings.
- Imagine what obstacles or objections the other person may make. When you actually try this exercise for real, if you encounter resistance, it is a good idea to ask people why they reject your request.
- Remember not to let others distract or side tract you, stick to your point.
- What assertiveness skills will you use to deal with this opposition - perhaps you will use the broken record technique, or listen and acknowledge the other person’s point of view, what assertive body language will you use, remember silence can be assertive as it can unnerve others.
- What non-verbal communication techniques will you use?
- Finally set a time and place and commit to taking action, action is everything.
- Review what happened, taking stock of what worked, you can learn from your early attempts and improve your skills with practice.
It may help you to write out this scenario and ask a friend to act it out with you, practice makes perfect.
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