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Success in Life
Giving and Receiving Criticism
Receiving Criticism from Others
Criticism can be very damaging and demoralising and so needs to be delivered with great care for the other person’s feelings or you may provoke a very unpleasant response. Most people find accepting criticism difficult and they can be very defensive, even when the criticism is correct. Yet constructive criticism, if well intentioned, can be very positive and useful, as another person is taking the time to help you learn how to grow and improve, by pointing out areas of potential improvement. Most of us have an area of our behaviour that we are unaware of or are blind to, and constructive criticism can be helpful in such circumstances. We can also learn by carefully observing how others react to us. By noticing others reaction towards us we can identify areas of weakness. That’s not to say that all criticism is justified, so this is the first thing you need to decide about.
When you are criticised, listen attentively and ask questions to clarify exactly what the problem may be. Check that you have correctly understood the issue and the other person’s concerns. You may find it helpful to ask them to provide specific examples of the behaviour they are criticising. Don’t be afraid to ask for five minutes to consider the matter and the issues raised, think about whether you need further discussion or clarification with them.
Once you have a clear idea of the problem, you can decide if you feel this is an accurate and true description of how you have behaved. If you decide it is not, explain why you think this to the complainant. If it is really just a put down or veiled personal attack, challenge this immediately. If you consider that the criticism is true, admit this to yourself and to the person complaining, as they will feel heard and will probably soften and move from criticism to solution mode. If it is partly true, explain this, again accepting the truth of some of the criticism but don’t be afraid to qualify this.
Consider the person who is criticising you: how well do they know you; how reliable are they as a witness; how qualified are they to judge the matter; what is their position in relation to you; what do they have to gain by criticising you in this way? This latter point is not always obvious, beware of alternative motives such as jealously or manipulation but do not use these as excuses not to see the truth in what someone is telling you.
Ask yourself if you have heard this criticism before, perhaps you may want to consult a trusted friend or loved one on the issue. Next consider how important the criticism is, is it worth further investigation and action or was it just a one off that is not typical of your behaviour. Be very honest here. Ask yourself if you want to change, is it worth the effort to you? How will it affect others if you do, or do not change? Is this fair and does it respect their rights and will it help improve your relationships with others? Will any proposed change make the situation better or worse, from each side’s perspective? Decide on your best course of action. You may wish to discuss this with the person who criticised you and explain your reasoning to them, especially if you are likely to have an on-going relationship with them.
Giving Criticism to Others
As a parent, boss or friend, there are times when you may have to give criticism. If you ignore problems they may well come back to haunt you and can grow to frightening proportions, so it is often best to tackle them when they arise. You must decide this on a case by case basis. Bear in mind that personal resentment may damage a personal or professional relationship, so it is better to resolve issues as amicably and as quickly as possible.
When giving constructive criticism ask yourself what you are trying to achieve. Is your aim to stop or change someone’s behaviour? If you wish to complain about something, you need to firstly ensure that the other person has the power to take the action or produce the results you desire. If someone has not got the power to change something, or if the problem stems from a personality trait, it is going to be difficult to achieve the change you desire. It is often helpful to begin by considering what the positive and negative outcomes of such an intervention may be, then consider if the end results are worth the effort.
When delivering criticism choose your time and place carefully. It is usually best to deliver criticism somewhere quiet, on a one to one basis, rather than in front of others. This gives due consideration to the other person’s feelings. If there is an audience present you may provoke an extreme reaction, so it is usually best to try to avoid this situation for everyone’s sake. Be warned that some people gain false courage from those around them. Others become unduly defensive when criticised in front of friends or colleagues. However, on the plus side, you may need to consider whether or not you require a witness present to safeguard you from unfounded allegations that may be made against you, as a result of your criticism.
When giving criticism, not only chose the place with care but also make sure that there is sufficient time to discuss the matter fully. Begin by setting the other person at their ease, some small chat make be appropriate before you begin. Then describe the problem with the other person’s behaviour, be clear and specific and give examples when possible.
Do not use inflammatory language or aggressive body language such as pointing or a raised voice. Do not judge or condemn the person, confine your remarks to comments about their behaviour. By expressing your thoughts and feelings about their behaviour, rather than blaming or accusing them, you are valuing the person and simply requesting a change of behaviour which will be easier for the other person to accept. For example, you might want to explain how their behaviour causes you inconvenience and state the alternative behaviour you would prefer.
Give them an opportunity to explain themselves, it may be there are genuine reasons for the problem and these can then be addressed between you and an action plan for change agreed.
If, having heard what they have to say, you feel there is still a problem of that person’s making, then this issue needs to be addressed. You may feel it is appropriate to acknowledge their concerns at this stage but always come back to the reason you are having this conversation in the first place. Don’t get side-tracked.
Make it easy for the other person by letting them know exactly what you expect from them in future. This is more helpful than making vague generalisations such as: “they should do better”, which leaves them unclear about exactly what you want. When you request specific, measurable change, they know exactly what you want them to do. You may for example want to state how their attitude or efforts could improve in specific areas and provide examples as necessary. Allow them to ask questions to clarify what is expected of them. Point out the positive aspects of any change for yourself, your family or friends, but especially for them as this will provide additional motivation.
It is very important to set timescales for the change you are requesting or you could end up waiting a very long time for your desired results! Particularly at work, it’s also a good idea to schedule a follow up meeting to review progress at an appropriate date in the future. At this meeting you can praise their progress and chase up on slack behaviour or poor results. Usually there has to be some form of accountability for the change to stick and if necessary, some consequences to provide motivation for the change.
If the other person does not agree to the change you have requested, you may have to point out the consequences of their decision to put more pressure on them. Make this clear and concise. Explain how these consequences will result from their failure to comply with your request. Inform them you hope not to have to take such action, but make it very clear that you will if necessary. It may be useful at this stage to give them time of think over what has been said so they can reconsider their stance.
End your discussions on a positive note. With colleagues it may be appropriate to thank them for their time and their contribution to the discussion. If they have agreed to a course of action, thank them for this commitment and summarise what has been agreed. Try to find something positive to end on but do not drag the meeting out unduly. With a friend you may change the topic to something you both enjoy to help re-establish the connection between you, with a loved one it may be helpful to give them a hug as well.
Make sure you give the other person the opportunity to change. You may feel a reminder is necessary if matters are not progressing according to plan but beware of harassing them as this can be counter-productive, it says you don’t trust them. Give them some space to do as you requested. If you are worried about the outcome, you may wish to have a back up plan in place just in case. Resist the temptation to revisit the criticism or make digs during this period, or you will be in danger of destroying their commitment to change and your relationship. If they fail to change by your deadline, you must follow through on the consequences you have set or you will lose all credibility, and leave yourself open to being abused in the future.
Remember, the best relationships are built on honesty. This is not always easy but if the relationship is important to you surely it is worth this effort. By raising issues with people you are respecting them and providing them an opportunity to improve. Be considerate in your criticism of others and they should respect you for your honesty and fairness.
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