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Success in Life
Developing Happy, Healthy Relationships
Relationships add a sparkle to life, people want to love and be loved, to be close to those special others and enjoy their company. Sharing our experiences heightens our enjoyment of life and in turn brings us closer together. Communication is key in creating and maintaining relationships and has been key in our development as a species.
People are social animals, we enjoy mixing with one another. But being social isn’t just a way to feel better, it also promotes your survival chances! In our distant past being part of a larger group was a very effective way to increase the odds on your survival. It made good sense to be part of a supportive group to help protect you from the numerous hazards in your environment, there was strength in numbers so people banded together.
The advantages of social living remain just as vibrant today, although many of the dangers within our society are now psychological. Psychologists have shown that people with a strong social networks are much less likely to suffer from depression as they can rely on the help and support of friends at times of need. Good relationships is one of the most important factors in maintaining a happy outlook in life or bouncing back from a bout of depression. People with a rewarding social network benefit from increased feelings of self worth and effectiveness. They are able to offer friends a helping hand thereby increasing their own feelings of value and self-worth and at the same time storing up favours for the future should the need arise.
The emotional ‘strokes’ that we receive from friends are very important in promoting mental well-being and happiness. Close, supportive, friendships break down feelings of isolation that could otherwise overwhelm us. It is extremely difficult for most people to live in isolation as we tend to feel empty, even invisible, without a good social network. We may try to fill this void with other distracting activities, but often fail to achieve true happiness and contentment without the warmth and support of close relationships. Most people find that possessions cannot take the place of genuine care and attention. Psychological experiments on monkeys have shown that without the comforting contact of a mother or furry mother substitute, baby monkeys failed to thrive and grow, they will even prefer clinging to a furry mother substitute over one that provides milk but is hard to the touch. How much more true is this for human beings. People require physical and emotional contact to maintain optimum mental healthy. Healthy relationships can add significantly to our day to day enjoyment of life.
Good communication skills and the ability to get on with others is key in forming effective relationships. These essential skills affect our level of social success but are equally important in our business or working lives. They can determine whether or not you get that big contract, or who is promoted in the office. That’s why people say “it’s not what you know, but who you know!”
Some people were blessed with gregarious parents, or other relatives and carers, who have provided them with an effective role model to base their own relationships on. Others have not been so lucky, their significant others have been shy and shunned society and so been a poor social role models. This makes it harder for such people to acquire the social skills they need to promote an optimally happy life. Instead, they may grow up feeling awkward around strangers and shying away from relationships. Some people are lucky and find alternative role models in teachers, family friends or significant others in their lives. These more socially skilled individuals help them to break the family pattern. Others have to wait until they become adults to learn the skills they need, often at great personal cost.
If you feel your social skills are weak, now is the time to adopt a more effective and positive way of interacting with others. It is never too late for you to acquire relationship skills, just as you may learn any other skill later in life, and learning can be fun and rewarding. There are many good books or courses to supplement this introduction to the topic.
Your relationship with yourself
The most effective place to start is with your relationship with yourself. “Love your neighbour as yourself”, but to do this you must first love yourself! A major element of happiness is self-acceptance. If this depends on your behaving perfectly in all situations, or on your achieving all your goals, then you are in for an unhappy life. To be human is to be fallible, we all make mistakes, despite or because of how much care we take. Instead of seeing life as a series of passes or failures, try treating it as a giant learning experience, you progress with each attempt you make, taking you closer to your ultimate goal. Forgive yourself and move on. There is no failure, only feedback to use to improve your performance.
Do not make the mistake of valuing your worth as a person by what you own or how much you have achieved. Your true value lives in your being. We would question the need to rate or value yourself at all. If you want to increase your happiness try simply accepting yourself as a fallible human being who just is, warts and all. See yourself as someone who is just trying to make a happy life for themselves as best they can. Ask yourself questions that promote this approach, so rather than asking “why do I always fail?” instead ask “what can I learn from this in order to do better next time?” Such a question empowers you as you are taking responsibility for your actions, and are seeking ways to improve.
If you must rate something, only judge your behaviours and be careful of the criteria you use. One useful measure may be to judge your actions on whether they needlessly or recklessly harm yourself, others or the environment. As long as you reconcile your actions to such ideals you shouldn’t go far wrong. However, forgive yourself if you make mistakes, learn from them so you don’t repeat them and try harder next time, you are only human after all so cut yourself some slack.
Change Your Personal History
Some people feel they are unlovable because of the dysfunctional messages they received from their ‘parents’ (i.e parents, carers, or significant others) as a child. Some parents are unable to give love for a myriad of reasons, such as their own dysfunctional upbringing, a drug or alcohol problem, a mental health problem or emotional disturbance, or family break up. This is very sad, but there comes a time as an adult when you have to accept the past, no matter how horrible it has been. The past cannot be changed, but how you think about it can, and this is where the true power in your life lies.
If possible forgive those who hurt you for your own sake, as anger and resentment can turn in on itself and cause you more problems. If you feel unable to do this, do not force yourself but decide to work on this issue, get help if possible, and in time you may feel more able to forgive and move forward. Realise that these people were incapable of providing the love you needed, for whatever reason, and do not waste your energy hating them for this. By holding on to anger and hatred you are perpetuating the damage they have caused you. You are limiting the love in your life by harbouring negative feelings. Do not let these people control you any longer, do not let them close down your heart or fill it with hate. Neither are you doomed to repeat their mistakes. We are all responsible for our own actions and how we interpret what happens to us. Try to find something positive from past experiences, no matter how painful they may have been, see if you can find a greater more positive meaning within it. For example, perhaps it has made you a stronger person more able to care for yourself or to help others, maybe it has spurred you on to greater achievements if only to prove them wrong. Decide here and now to reject the negative messages you received as a child and choose to love yourself.
Commit to giving yourself the love you did not receive as a child. The love you deserved and still are entitled to because you are a wonderful human being full of love and potential. Concentrate on developing self love and acceptance. Do not be down on yourself because you have had poor role models in the past, decide now to learn new, more effective relationship skills based on your own true self-worth.
Modelling Excellence, Creates Excellence
If you want to improve your relationship skills, seek a new role model. Think about someone you admire and enjoy spending time with, consider what they say and do, that makes them a pleasure to be with. Ask them how they achieve this, what they think, what they say to themselves, the skills they have developed. Learn from how this person behaves and copy their positive social behaviours. Do not worry if this feels strange or ‘not you’ at first, just persevere as “anything worth doing is worth doing badly at first”. With practice you strengthen the neural pathways in your brain and form new habits that will eventually become automatic behaviours that form a part of your self-image. They become you. These new behaviours will be rewarded by positive feedback from others as they respond to your new social overtures. This in turn affects how you see yourself. Love yourself, care for yourself and then love others from this position of strength and power.
It may surprise you to know that the majority of our communication is not through words, only 7% of our meaning is gleaning form the words we select. A further 38% comes from our tone, timbre, pitch and pace and a massive 55% from our body language. By watching others we gather most of our information about their true meaning or intention. Just consider the numerous ways you can say “Good Morning” to vary the message you want to get across, from a chirpie “Good morning, to a sullen reluctant one, or maybe sad version, or an extremely happy one etc. Learn the skill of watching people closely for these non-verbal clues to the true meaning of their communication as you will then be in a better position to respond in an appropriate manner to their real message. You can also increase the rapport between you by matching and mirroring body language to create a greater feeling of familiarity between you. Matching is where you repeat another’s action, so if they raise their right hand to their face, you do the same. Mirroring is where you raise the opposite hand, as in a mirror image of them. This is a large area of study and needs to be used with care and respect for the other person if they are not to feel mimicked or manipulated. Again there are many good books available on this for those who wish to learn more.
The Give and Take of Relationships
Relationships are about enjoying each others company, about fulfilling each others needs, about giving and receiving. They cannot be a one way street, people who only take or who only receive will not form healthy relationships as they are out of balance. No-one likes to feel always indebted to someone else, or worse still that they are being manipulated into friendship by another’s apparent generosity, you cannot buy real friends. Rather seek to give and take. In this way you will not feel resentment in a relationship as your needs will also be met and others will not feel beholden to you. Similarly, do not use people or always be on the take, as eventually people will feel used and reject you for this reason.
Value Your Friends
Your friends will look to you to provide practical or emotional support at times, they will expect loyalty and integrity. Being there for someone is very important, sometimes simply your presence is enough. Respect their feelings and view of the world (even if this seems unreasonable to you) and do not judge them or try to put them ‘right’. We all make mistakes and this is one of the ways we learn, so do not take that from them. We all have our own unique view of the world so be careful not to trample on some-one else’s view just because it is different to yours. Instead show empathy and understanding, people want to feel valued and accepted by their friends.
Provide your friends with approval and appreciation, we all enjoy recognition of our good points or achievements, and want to receive love. Everyone wants to be valued for themselves, so do not hesitate to show your genuine appreciation of your friends. One way you can do this is to make time for others. Actively listen to what they have to say, rather than being more concerned about your response. Make them the centre of attention. Offer practical support if necessary but limit your advice to when you are asked for it. Trust that your friend has all the resources they need within them to succeed.
Plan and enjoy activities together, forming shared goals and working on joint ventures can all help to cement relationships. Show respect for your friends by always being honest in your relationships. Maintain their confidentiality, do not use gossip to buy friendship as you will end up not being trusted by anyone.
Do not try to fix or mend friends, they will resent your interference no matter how well intentioned. This means you must be very careful about criticising or manipulating people, such behaviour usually backfires and will loose you friendships. Instead, accept your friends for who they are, faults and all. Be kind and forgiving with your friends and they will reciprocate. Be positive and up beat around your friends. People get bored with someone who is always complaining, or who only sees the negative side of life. A positive attitude is infectious and will attract others to you.
Make the First Move
Take responsibility for your relationships. Do not wait for the other person to make the first move, instead take a risk and approach others with friendship. If your relationships are not going the way you would like, consider honesty why this might be. If it is a general trend, chances are you are doing something that is putting people off, so figure out what this is and correct it. It can be helpful to discuss this with a good friend you can trust as it can be hard to see our own limitations. But be careful of inviting criticism as you may resent it later.
People have a habit of projecting their own short comings onto others, so if you are upset with someone, look inside to be sure it is not a problem of your own making. For example, people who are jealous and mistrusting of their partners are often in fact very insecure in themselves and doubt that they can be truly loved. By becoming more aware of your own internal conflicts you can address these matters, seeking professional help as necessary, and your relationships will automatically improve. Take responsibility and show by your actions that you are a good friend.
People Love the Sound of Their Own Name
Dale Carnegie in his book “How to win friends and influence people” points out that you will make more friends by showing interest in other people than you ever will in trying to get other people interested in you. People love to talk about themselves, they love to hear their own name and to be acknowledged for their achievements. If you cultivate a genuine interest in other people, they will genuinely like you. I highly recommend this excellent book to anyone who feels they want to improve their relationship skills.
Making friends should be fun so above all else get out there and enjoy yourself.
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